Okay, that's a surprise....would have thought the Easter Bunny would have been the culprit, not Santa.....

So I had my follow up with the new doc - 2 weeks after being on progesterone, cutting the estrogen in half and them taking tanks of blood.

Big surprise of the whole visit? My ovaries decided to crank back up! o.0

They've not worked in awhile...like pretty much since I had my hysterectomy in 2000. I've had my girly hormones checked throughout the years and they have always been out of order, defunct, kaput. Well, now they're not. This is so bizarre. Doc said that when you have one AI disorder (the Hashimoto's), that you can have others (I knew this already) and that sometimes your body will pick random things (ovaries) to attack and then they quit attacking them for whatever reason.

My TSH was 2.6, my free T3 and free T4 were over the high range, so he's going to drop me down to 72 mcg from the 88 mcg of Tirosint I've been on. No more estrogen patch, but he wants me to stay on the progesterone to prevent estrogen dominance from becoming more of an issue. My endometriosis has been feeling stabby, so hopefully the progesterone can kick it's butt back into submission.

B12 and D were good, 750 and 51 respectively, so I'm supposed to continue those supplements. Make sure I'm taking a probiotic, add in some digestive enzymes, keep up with my magnesium.

...and curtail any simple carbs, be more strict and make sure I'm cutting back food intake even more, and get my butt moving. Go back to see him in 4 months for bloodwork, or sooner if need be.

He used those hated words, though: be patient.

Bah humbug!

So good news, weird news, some changes.

Wistful

So each year at work we have an Angel Tree. There's little tags on it with kids of varying ages and the list of their wants and needs. I've participated the 9 years I've been in the Southern Company system, because a) I think it's important to give back to the community, b) there's always someone in need more than we are and c) who the heck doesn't like shopping for kids' toys?

It's a double-edged sword though, because as I'm browsing through the 24 month old little boy clothes it makes me sad and wistful that I don't have any rugrats of my own and I'm guessing we won't end up with any. It was tough on Thanksgiving, watching Luke do so well with our friends' twin boys that just turned a year old. The father of our friend (who is only 7 years old than me) said "he does so well with them, you guys should have some!" and I just have to smile and nod and pretend that it doesn't break my heart.

I know age doesn't *have* to be a factor, but I'll be 44 this year. The adoption process can take years, frustratingly, so it would be a guess as to how old I would be if/when we'd be able to adopt. The bigger obstacle is debt. Not mine, but his. The debt that I didn't realize was quite so substantial when we got involved. 20/20 hindsight, but I guess full disclosure isn't on the forefront of everyone else's mind when they get involved, even if it's at the forefront of mine. It will be another 2+ years until it's paid off, which means I'll be pushing towards 50.

I think it's just not in the cards for this lifetime...just tough to reconcile sometimes, especially when you're riffling through teeny little shirts and pants and socks and shoes.

Thanks, but no thanks.... : /

Well, just got a call from HR. Though I did dazzle him in the interview/get to know, I was #2 on the end selection. The job will be going to a lady who was displaced by the recent IT reorganization. I told her that I am okay with that, because otherwise she would have been out of a job, no severance, nothing and I would have made the same decision. He did tell the HR lady that it was a really difficult decision and that if I EVER need a reference/referral he will gladly assist me in that or any way he could.

So a connection made, but not the position I'm supposed to be in...just means something bigger and better will come along, right? :)

(trying to remain hopeful)

Maybe something scary....

Since we've been taking photos of all these lipsticks and makeup and clothes, I noticed something off about my face the other day.  I have a subtle downward turn on the right side of my face - I see it in my mouth and my right eye and I have a heavy/odd sensation in my ear on that side.  I'm wondering if I had a TIA or a super-duper-teeny stroke over the summer.  I had swung hyperthyroid - chest pains, was having pounding, sickening headaches, seeing double, I'm sure my blood pressure was through the roof, and was having aching/dull pain in my right arm.  I actually sat at my desk one day thinking "what arm is supposed to hurt if you have a heart attack?  Is it the left? The right?  I think it's the left?"  I went home that day, praying all the way home that I would keep my $hit together and not get sick in my car.

When I went to the endocrinologist I mentioned the chest pains, the double vision, the arm thing and he just went "hmm...," and sent me to the cardiologist and wrote out an Rx for a calcium channel blocker (which has seemed to help both chest pains and b.p., though I think swinging back hypothyroid has "helped" too).  I did the stress test (without echo) and survived, so the cardiologist said "see you the end of November" and sent me on my way.

I realized that I had been having a little bit harder time finding my words - but I think tangentially at times, so I can say "sounds like 'X'" and be able to pull the word that I need.  I *feel* okay now, but the face thing is troubling.  It's not horrifically noticeable.  I asked hubby and he said "now that you mention it, I can see it a bit - there's definitely a difference, but it's not super noticeable."

So I will have to add that to the list to bring to the endo and cardiologist's attention.  I also made an appointment with a different doc on December 2nd.  I'm tired of futzing around with my endo and not making any progress.  I've been patient in dealing with this for 5 years - I'm ready to feel better and get to a positive state of health.  I know the endo is missing something, and I have a feeling the new doc might be able to give a good, clear, new perspective.

*fingers crossed*

11.11.11 Dream

So I went to bed last night, not with a specific verbalized intention, but just a let me see what I needed to see.  My brain did not disappoint, as usual.

I dreamt we lived someplace with sand, but not necessarily an ocean.  I was in a workspace, that had dark wood floors and thick plaster walls, standing in front of a really odd looking fan that was blowing towards me.  I was doing something that looked like tai chi, but it was different.  I was using the fan's wind blowing towards me to help in pulling out specific color energies (orange is the one that I was pulling out in the dream) from the air/surroundings that I needed to fix/heal something in my body. I could *feel* the energy - it was raw and crackly and hot as I extracted it from the fan.

I love my funky dreams.

Anybody have the Cliff notes to my life???

Weird aside: I went to a psychic one time who told me that I shouldn't have been here...that my Mom didn't want me (which is sad, but true - she's said it before when she was off her meds/not-good-Mom), that she almost lost me (true again), and that I couldn't wait to get here and hit the ground running. I wonder if that's why I have trouble with this stuff and fit in many categories. I'm just a mish-mosh of past cellular memories/lives and that's what's been thrown together...things "go together" but they don't fit, match, go into a tidy box.

I wrote the above in reference to another thread in our EYT forum on FB. Sometimes, more than I would like to admit, I have a feeling that I’m *not* supposed to be here, that I’m here ahead of time, too late or out of synch, but that I *needed* to be here to do something. But I don’t know what that something is. I’ve had people I’ve known tell me that I’m here to do good, that they’d happily be a part of whatever it is that I started, that I’m supposed to DO something – something that is all in CAPITALS with an explanation point! So why do I feel like I’m the only one in my life that doesn’t know what that is or have felt unworthy to pursue what that is? I feel like I should be healing/helping folks. But I don’t see how to get there (yet).

I have talents, I know that. I can cook, I can paint, I can solve problems like nobody’s business, I can make beautiful jewelry, grow things, know how to help people fix various woes in their lives. But how do I translate that into a sustaining career? Or is it just a hobby? I want to do something in my life that leaves a positive mark and change upon the world and the people in it. I’m pretty sure baking sweet potato bourbon bundt cakes or a pretty pair of earrings isn’t going to do that.

I am going to use today’s energetic shift to think hard on this, or maybe not think at all, but allow myself to be open to what my guides (I know you are out there, I promise I’ll listen!) and the Divine are trying to show/tell me.

Mental Health Day

It seems like I've been running non-stop for the past two years or so and I've reached my breaking point.  Thankfully, I'm down to just one boss and the folks under him, instead of those folks, plus the CEO who had two years to retire and the incoming CEO.  Just too much combined with health issues = sad, run-down JA panda.

So I sent my boss an email this morning telling him that I was feeling worn down and like I was fighting something off and was taking a PTO day.

Slept in until 8:30, after getting up around 5:15 or so to feed the dogs and let them outside to do what dogs do at 5:15 in the morning.  Probably could have slept longer, but they were being rambunctious and stompy-stompy-stompy on the bed (75 and 45 pounds), so there was no more sleeping to be had.

Going to focus on doing some cleaning (intermixed with resting) today.  I want to get our bedroom cleaned/organized.  It should be the oasis of the house and right now it's nothing but chaos, dog hair fluffies and wild dust bunnies.

Once I get the bedroom done, I'm going to move into the guest room and start on that.  It's not imperative I get it finished today, but I'd at least like to make some headway on it.  I want to go through the closet and pull out anything and everything that doesn't fit me right now.  If it doesn't fit or is in a color that doesn't make me go OOOOH!, it's going on the bed.  Once on the bed, there will be two piles:  donate and sell.  EYT ladies get first dibs on the salable clothes, since I know I have stuff in there y'all might could use.  I think relieving myself of the items that are from another time/size will do just that - be a relief.  I think that having them there is putting yet another filter of failure/stress/loss on me that I do not need.

So, let's put on the kettle and fix a cuppa and hit that bedroom!