Wistful

So each year at work we have an Angel Tree. There's little tags on it with kids of varying ages and the list of their wants and needs. I've participated the 9 years I've been in the Southern Company system, because a) I think it's important to give back to the community, b) there's always someone in need more than we are and c) who the heck doesn't like shopping for kids' toys?

It's a double-edged sword though, because as I'm browsing through the 24 month old little boy clothes it makes me sad and wistful that I don't have any rugrats of my own and I'm guessing we won't end up with any. It was tough on Thanksgiving, watching Luke do so well with our friends' twin boys that just turned a year old. The father of our friend (who is only 7 years old than me) said "he does so well with them, you guys should have some!" and I just have to smile and nod and pretend that it doesn't break my heart.

I know age doesn't *have* to be a factor, but I'll be 44 this year. The adoption process can take years, frustratingly, so it would be a guess as to how old I would be if/when we'd be able to adopt. The bigger obstacle is debt. Not mine, but his. The debt that I didn't realize was quite so substantial when we got involved. 20/20 hindsight, but I guess full disclosure isn't on the forefront of everyone else's mind when they get involved, even if it's at the forefront of mine. It will be another 2+ years until it's paid off, which means I'll be pushing towards 50.

I think it's just not in the cards for this lifetime...just tough to reconcile sometimes, especially when you're riffling through teeny little shirts and pants and socks and shoes.

Thanks, but no thanks.... : /

Well, just got a call from HR. Though I did dazzle him in the interview/get to know, I was #2 on the end selection. The job will be going to a lady who was displaced by the recent IT reorganization. I told her that I am okay with that, because otherwise she would have been out of a job, no severance, nothing and I would have made the same decision. He did tell the HR lady that it was a really difficult decision and that if I EVER need a reference/referral he will gladly assist me in that or any way he could.

So a connection made, but not the position I'm supposed to be in...just means something bigger and better will come along, right? :)

(trying to remain hopeful)

Maybe something scary....

Since we've been taking photos of all these lipsticks and makeup and clothes, I noticed something off about my face the other day.  I have a subtle downward turn on the right side of my face - I see it in my mouth and my right eye and I have a heavy/odd sensation in my ear on that side.  I'm wondering if I had a TIA or a super-duper-teeny stroke over the summer.  I had swung hyperthyroid - chest pains, was having pounding, sickening headaches, seeing double, I'm sure my blood pressure was through the roof, and was having aching/dull pain in my right arm.  I actually sat at my desk one day thinking "what arm is supposed to hurt if you have a heart attack?  Is it the left? The right?  I think it's the left?"  I went home that day, praying all the way home that I would keep my $hit together and not get sick in my car.

When I went to the endocrinologist I mentioned the chest pains, the double vision, the arm thing and he just went "hmm...," and sent me to the cardiologist and wrote out an Rx for a calcium channel blocker (which has seemed to help both chest pains and b.p., though I think swinging back hypothyroid has "helped" too).  I did the stress test (without echo) and survived, so the cardiologist said "see you the end of November" and sent me on my way.

I realized that I had been having a little bit harder time finding my words - but I think tangentially at times, so I can say "sounds like 'X'" and be able to pull the word that I need.  I *feel* okay now, but the face thing is troubling.  It's not horrifically noticeable.  I asked hubby and he said "now that you mention it, I can see it a bit - there's definitely a difference, but it's not super noticeable."

So I will have to add that to the list to bring to the endo and cardiologist's attention.  I also made an appointment with a different doc on December 2nd.  I'm tired of futzing around with my endo and not making any progress.  I've been patient in dealing with this for 5 years - I'm ready to feel better and get to a positive state of health.  I know the endo is missing something, and I have a feeling the new doc might be able to give a good, clear, new perspective.

*fingers crossed*

11.11.11 Dream

So I went to bed last night, not with a specific verbalized intention, but just a let me see what I needed to see.  My brain did not disappoint, as usual.

I dreamt we lived someplace with sand, but not necessarily an ocean.  I was in a workspace, that had dark wood floors and thick plaster walls, standing in front of a really odd looking fan that was blowing towards me.  I was doing something that looked like tai chi, but it was different.  I was using the fan's wind blowing towards me to help in pulling out specific color energies (orange is the one that I was pulling out in the dream) from the air/surroundings that I needed to fix/heal something in my body. I could *feel* the energy - it was raw and crackly and hot as I extracted it from the fan.

I love my funky dreams.

Anybody have the Cliff notes to my life???

Weird aside: I went to a psychic one time who told me that I shouldn't have been here...that my Mom didn't want me (which is sad, but true - she's said it before when she was off her meds/not-good-Mom), that she almost lost me (true again), and that I couldn't wait to get here and hit the ground running. I wonder if that's why I have trouble with this stuff and fit in many categories. I'm just a mish-mosh of past cellular memories/lives and that's what's been thrown together...things "go together" but they don't fit, match, go into a tidy box.

I wrote the above in reference to another thread in our EYT forum on FB. Sometimes, more than I would like to admit, I have a feeling that I’m *not* supposed to be here, that I’m here ahead of time, too late or out of synch, but that I *needed* to be here to do something. But I don’t know what that something is. I’ve had people I’ve known tell me that I’m here to do good, that they’d happily be a part of whatever it is that I started, that I’m supposed to DO something – something that is all in CAPITALS with an explanation point! So why do I feel like I’m the only one in my life that doesn’t know what that is or have felt unworthy to pursue what that is? I feel like I should be healing/helping folks. But I don’t see how to get there (yet).

I have talents, I know that. I can cook, I can paint, I can solve problems like nobody’s business, I can make beautiful jewelry, grow things, know how to help people fix various woes in their lives. But how do I translate that into a sustaining career? Or is it just a hobby? I want to do something in my life that leaves a positive mark and change upon the world and the people in it. I’m pretty sure baking sweet potato bourbon bundt cakes or a pretty pair of earrings isn’t going to do that.

I am going to use today’s energetic shift to think hard on this, or maybe not think at all, but allow myself to be open to what my guides (I know you are out there, I promise I’ll listen!) and the Divine are trying to show/tell me.