Wistful

So each year at work we have an Angel Tree. There's little tags on it with kids of varying ages and the list of their wants and needs. I've participated the 9 years I've been in the Southern Company system, because a) I think it's important to give back to the community, b) there's always someone in need more than we are and c) who the heck doesn't like shopping for kids' toys?

It's a double-edged sword though, because as I'm browsing through the 24 month old little boy clothes it makes me sad and wistful that I don't have any rugrats of my own and I'm guessing we won't end up with any. It was tough on Thanksgiving, watching Luke do so well with our friends' twin boys that just turned a year old. The father of our friend (who is only 7 years old than me) said "he does so well with them, you guys should have some!" and I just have to smile and nod and pretend that it doesn't break my heart.

I know age doesn't *have* to be a factor, but I'll be 44 this year. The adoption process can take years, frustratingly, so it would be a guess as to how old I would be if/when we'd be able to adopt. The bigger obstacle is debt. Not mine, but his. The debt that I didn't realize was quite so substantial when we got involved. 20/20 hindsight, but I guess full disclosure isn't on the forefront of everyone else's mind when they get involved, even if it's at the forefront of mine. It will be another 2+ years until it's paid off, which means I'll be pushing towards 50.

I think it's just not in the cards for this lifetime...just tough to reconcile sometimes, especially when you're riffling through teeny little shirts and pants and socks and shoes.